Keep fighting

Didn't get the job in DC. I cried over it.
In 3 hours, I took a shower, an advil and got out of the apartment. It's not a big deal, life is a balance, you lost something somewhere, you can always pick it up somewhere else. Besides, as Z said on the phone, we have each other, that's more important than anything else.
Keep fighting! Don't lose faith!


May I Say I Am Happy?

by Yan

I sing!
I cheer!
I laugh!
I shout!

It's sweet!
It's complete!
It's jubilant!
It's fearless!

My sweet love!


Life is a drama

by Yan

Jan 7th, Thursday, 2010. One month after the D.C. trip...

My left ear has been hot and burning for a whole day. In Chinese saying, if one of your ear burns, that means somebody is thinking about you.

On the way driving home, this old saying creeped on me: He, the man that I said final goodbye with, might be thinking about me.

'Stupid!' I heard myself accusing myself. I was pulled back to the reality. 'Bulletproof' was playing from my speaker. I wish I could be bulletproof.

Several days ago, I clearly analyzed the situation with my friend.
a) I've truly made my final decision to break from the past
b) The only exception is he fly to LA and beg me to come back
c) Situation B will never happen on him
d) Thus, I am truly over with it this time

Today has been a long day. I sent out 3 reports in the past 3 days. I took off early today, only wanted to get home, feed my stomach and vegetate.

I was surfing the Internet randomly, feeling bored.

Phone started to buzz...

'Ding Dong', a message from him. I had thought about deleting his number after coming back, but did not anyway. My argument is if you can remember the person's number, what's the point of removing it from the phone list since you won't be able to remove it from memory anyway.

My heart started to beat faster...

'Nobody is home' I did not hesitate at all to reply.

'I can hear you'. I could tell he is definitely in a playful mood

'Who's that?' I was playing along.

'Open the door and you see'.

'I did not want surprise'

'Just a little chat'

'I did open the door' I replied in a cheated way

2 seconds later, I heard banging on my door
'Open the real door', came this familiar voice, the voice that I can even hear it in my dream.

I dashed to the door, opened the door, and there he is...smiling...

'May I come in?'


Key Milestones of Yan Zhang

by Yan

11/25/1977, born as a girl in a normal Shanghainese family. Grandpa names me Yan, meaning 'swallow' (the little black bird) in Chinese

9/1/1984, started elementary school in China's best one

12/1984, got bad temper fixed by teacher

9/1/1989, started high school in China's best one

9/1/1996, started college in China's best medical school, did not manage to become a doctor, which leads me to a totally different life

June, 1999, started dating my 1st boyfriend, formed a band called Nutty, felt like it was heaven every time I looked at my man

August, 2000, started my 1st job, felt at lost of what I wanted for career

September, 2003, realized my studying abroad dream in UK

December, 2004, graduated in Master's of Science if Management, almost graduated with honor; broke up with my man after his cheating on me twice. 1st romance durance: 5 years

Feb, 2005, back to Shanghai, started Marketing Research job by accident

December 2005, met my last bf, felt like heaven again

March, 2007, joined current company

July, 2007, bf moved back, heart broken, darkest period in life, mental disorder (LOL) 2nd romance durance: 1.5 yrs

November 2007, got my 1st SLR camera Pentax

April, 2008, traveled for one month in the US

May, 2008, started applying for intl. transfer

June, 2008, got job offer in LA

November, 2008, moved to LA

September, 2009, got my 2nd SLR camera, Nikon D90

November, 2009, traveled to NYC and D.C, saw the man, heart still beat fast

1/14/2010, photo published by NYtimes

Looking back, it was not bad at all


Yes, They Can

by Yan

This picture was taken on June 14th, 2009, during the 39th Los Angeles LGBT Pride Parade. I submitted this photo to NY Times today, in participation of the Documenting the Decade Project, with a dim hope that this picture will be selected.

With the belief of everybody was born to be equal, I've never held any discrimination against same-sex relationship. In fact, being good friends with several gay, I actually have high respect on their courage to fight the society, to fight so called 'normal' relationship opinion.

This afternoon, one of my best gay friend left me a message on my blog, telling me I should be happy. We then chit chatted a little bit about his ex and my ex. When I closed the MSN window, I thought to myself, if they can pull themselves together, under such huge pressure, I must be able to feel truly happy one day.


Cemetery of Memory

by Yan

In the cemetery of memory
I am helpless
It's the vague connection that I want to break
Yet, fear to release

In the cemetery of memory
It's irresistible
I bring flowers everyday
Yet, it's the ultimate land that should be deserted


Next Stop is...

Next Stop is...
by Yan

It's the 3rd day since I came back from my east coast trip. Work has been crazy ever since, which is good for me as I don't have the time and energy to sob, to mourn over the final ending of a memory, a blurry feeling, a vague hope...

NYC subway photos are the 1st set of pictures that I processed and posted. Subway theme has always been one of my interested topic to shoot for. Simply because all the passengers that you encounter, you see, or walk by, hold different thoughts, aim for different destinations, or are dragged into different moods. All those feelings and status quos all cram into the underground, into a small car. Imagine if you could 'hear' people's thoughts, I am pretty sure that nobody could survive in that situation with all the information pouring down. Lucky, we don't have super power. Lucky, I have my eyes and camera, I communicate with others silently through my view finder. I don't want the full pictures of their day, I just want the decisive moment.

One day, when I was sitting in the train, listening to the annoucement of different stops, I was wondering what my next stop is? In real life...